ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*
marriage jokes
8,062 total · showing the first 120 · page 5 of 5
What did my wife say after I finally got around to trimming my pubic hair? Wow, that's pretty nuts.
A man with a sheep A man goes home with a sheep under his arm and says "this is the pig I've been fucking." His wife says " that's not a pig, that's a sheep." The man says "I wasn't talking to you."
What did Donald Trump say to his wife Melania in the voting booth? Don't copy Michelle on this one.
I changed my mind Wife: I changed my mind... Husband: Does the new one work?
A recent study shows 9 out of 10 men admit their wife is always right. Since the study 1 man has still not been able to be found.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she's all, "Stop it, you're driving too fast! We're on a bridge!"
I am 48 and my wife is 8 months pregnant. am i too old to be a dad?
Lot's Wife We've all heard the story. No one can blame her if she felt any resentment. Some say, after all these years, she's still pretty salty about it.
Why is divorce so expensive? Its worth it!
A man's wife died and he called wife's parents many times after some time Mother in Law: Stop calling. How many times we need to tell you that she died? Man: It pleases me to listen that she died.
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
I don't see what's wrong with gay marriage It eliminates the worst part of a relationship
Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you.
A Red Indian introduced me to his wife... "This is four horses....." I said, Wow, that's a beautiful name, What does it mean....?" He said, nag,nag,nag,nag!
What does a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common? Someone's losing a trailer.
I tell my wife we are broke so we don't end up broke.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
My Wife told me to treat her like a princess So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel
fire the chauffeur! Wife: "I'm gonna fire our chauffeur!!! He's such a pathetic driver, this is the third time he almost got me killed...." Husband: "Dear, lets give him another chance."
What do hippies call there sex life before they get married? Prius
My wife was so sick this morning... that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
That guy is so poor... ... that he has to fuck his own wife.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower* me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?