"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."
witty jokes
148,411 total · showing the first 120 · page 1 of 5
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
"I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy."
CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.