witty jokes

When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: "They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

"My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

"My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?"

"As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."

Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

"Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera."

Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.