doctor jokes

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

Doctor: “To the morgue.”

Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”

"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."

A doctor decided to use the skin left over from circumcisions to start a new business selling briefcases. One day, a man comes up to him and asks why his briefcases cost twice as much as the store down the street. The doctor replies: “Because when you rub them, they turn into suitcases!”

A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"

Maybe we got it wrong and God just wanted to play doctor for a day: 'Here Moses, take these two tablets and call me in the morning'

A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint. The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.

I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I'm high

Mom 1: My son's gonna be a pro baseball player Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

A Doctor and patient Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine".

So a white man walks into a plastic surgeon's office... [FIXED] He tells the plastic surgeon, "I want to become a black man."

A man walks into the doctor's office wearing nothing but cellophane (saran-wrap). Dr. says, "Clearly I can see your nuts!"

Doctor, doctor... I have a cold and feel like I'm about to explode... ...well sit down and blow your nose up!

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons... I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."

a man goes to the doctor... "Whats wrong with me?" "You have to stop masturbating." "Why?" "So that I can examine you."

What did the lazy surgeon say to his patient? Suture self!

my doctor gave me 2 months to live when i told him i wouldnt be able to pay off my medical bills by then, he gave me another 2 months

A 9 year old patient in the hospital i work at had to have his leg amputated. He asked the doctor "will my leg ever grow back?" The Doctor replied "sorry Johnny, you only limb once"

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?! MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham. W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

What do you call the ultimate fish doctor? The Sturgeon General

Whenever I have sex, my eyes water and I find it hard to breathe... The doctor says its the mace.