[me narrating a documentary about narrators] "I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking"
general jokes
206,401 total · showing the first 120 · page 1 of 5
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell.
A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"
What's the world's longest Ted Talk? How I Met Your Mother
Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth? I hear it was pretty dope.
Strangers on a Train
You know I was thinking about not getting fat, But I really had a lot on my plate at the time..
I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and I've finally decided on this one. I don't know what it means, but it looks really cool!
TIL Condoms have serial numbers.. ..but I've never rolled one down far enough to find out..
A dyslexic guy walks into a bar... And the woman says, "Excuse me! What do you think you're doing?!"
Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.
Why did the French chef kill himself Because he lost the huile d'olive.
Why do neckbeard dentists love Cats the musical? Because m'cavity.
here's my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you're welcome
I don't like nosey peppers they get Jalapeno buisness
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. "That won't help you, Joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot," says the man, "it's the only way I can see the numbers!"
Why did the Mexican... ... throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila! ... go to the home improvement store in December? Fajitas!
I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called "Don't Speak"? On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven't said a word since.
A robot walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender asks. "I need something to loosen up," the robot replies. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.
I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun
How are children like slinkies? It's fun to toss them down stairs.