MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
deadpan jokes
46,599 total · showing the first 120 · page 1 of 5
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes."
Dad: “Call me George.”
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
3 unwritten rules of life... 1. 2. 3.
Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
Wife: “I want another baby.”
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
Option 1: Let’s eat grandma.
Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.
There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.