pets jokes

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

Musicians with no advertising budget can simply name their band Missing Cat.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? "Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P

When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."

What's the difference between a priest and his dog? One wears pants and a collar while the other wears a collar and pants.

Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? - A: Because she wanted to mail a litter.

Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? You would run away too if you name was "MMMMMMMMMUUUUUUAAAAAAHHHHHHH."

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands? VET: where exactly is your dog ME: he's uh coming later

People say I'm a people person It's like a dog person, but with a lot more chains in my basement.

Why don't my dog and my cat get along? She's a Re-puppy-can and he's a Demo-cat!

I'm sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? (2-part joke) *A no-eye-deer!* What do you call a kitten with no eyes? *Animal abuse.*

At what point in time were cats being stored in bags so frequently that they had to come up with the phrase: "the cat's out of the bag"?

Man walks into a zoo. There was only one animal. It was a dog. It's a shitzu.

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, "all over."

Q: Why couldn't the cat speak? A: The dog taped his mouth.

How many lives does a German cat have NEIN!

A wannabee client asked me to find her a one bedroom apartment in Manhattan for $900/month. ...then she added "Oh, I have a 60 pound dog, too." I politely replied: "I don't have a time machine."

what do you call a dog who sits on a bench and reads his newspaper? a human-dog xDDD

What do you call an accurate dog? Spot-on.

"Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor