waiter jokes

SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith? MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly? *Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

Waiter there is a fly in my wine ! Well you did ask for something with a little body in it!

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, "all over."

I say waiter there's a fly in my soup! Well throw him a doughnut - they make fantastic life belts!

I work as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.

Customer: I didn't order this. Waiter: I know but your meal tastes worse.

Me: [crying so hard I can't breathe] why Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Waiter I can't seem to find any oysters in this oyster soup. Would you expect to find angels in angel cake?

Man goes to a restaurant Sits down at a table by himself and places a calender in front of him. The waiter ask why the calendar? Man replies "I didn't want to be alone so I brought some dates"

Interviewer asked me why I'd make a good waiter? Me: You could say I...bring a lot to the table.

Hey, waiters, write down my fucking order. If you're trying to impress people how about don't be a waiter.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday's dinner date* *takes bite* *waiter from last night knocks on window* "how's everything tasting folks"

What did Hillary Clinton say when they took down her private email server? R.I.P. My Inbox

WHAT I ORDER: French toast WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die

Customer: Do you have bacon and eggs on the menu: Waiter: No we clean our menus regularly.

"Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?!?" "Same thing that bag is doing in your tea."

Where is the best place for a 1-legged waitress to work? IHOP

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap... ...I told her it wasn't necessary because I had one earlier today.

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

excuse me, waitress? "I'm not a waitress" Oh, what are you then "Well, I'm a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?"

waitressing She may only be a waitress but at least she brings food to the table

Okay you guys, I'm gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.