family jokes

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes."

Dad: “Call me George.”

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”

KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”

CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

When does a joke become a dad joke?

Option 1: Let’s eat grandma.

Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.

"The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."

A couple arrived at the sexual health clinic. There was a sign on the door that said: “For family planning and contraceptives, please use the rear entrance”.

A girl asks her mother for a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll for Christmas. “But Barbie comes with Ken,” her mother said. “No,” the girl replied, “she just fakes it with Ken”.

A family of models are burrowing underground when Papa Mole sticks his head above ground and sniffs. “I can smell pancakes!” Mama Mole sticks her head up next and sniffs. “I can smell cookies!” Baby Mole, who is still underground, sniffs next and says, “I can smell molasses!”

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to an old man, who looks pretty sad. He asks him what’s wrong. The old man replies: “See this pub? I crafted these bricks in my own kiln, laid the foundations and built the whole thing myself! But do they call me Alan the Bricklayer? No!” He points out of the window. “See that fence? I chopped down the trees, hammered the nails and put the whole thing together. But do they call me Alan the Fence Builder? No!” Then he says, “See that beer you’re drinking? I brewed it myself, using my own special recipe that has been handed down through my family for generations. But do they call me Alan the Beer Brewer? No!” He slammed his fist on the bar and sighed. “But you make love to a sheep one time...”

Timmy comes to school late. When the teacher asks why, he tells her, “I had to take a cow down from the barn and get her bred”. Then the teacher asks, “Couldn’t your father do it?” Timmy replies, “Sure, but not as good as the bull”.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?