A man walks into a pub and sits down next to an old man, who looks pretty sad. He asks him what’s wrong. The old man replies: “See this pub? I crafted these bricks in my own kiln, laid the foundations and built the whole thing myself! But do they call me Alan the Bricklayer? No!” He points out of the window. “See that fence? I chopped down the trees, hammered the nails and put the whole thing together. But do they call me Alan the Fence Builder? No!” Then he says, “See that beer you’re drinking? I brewed it myself, using my own special recipe that has been handed down through my family for generations. But do they call me Alan the Beer Brewer? No!” He slammed his fist on the bar and sighed. “But you make love to a sheep one time...”
british jokes
647 total · showing the first 120 · page 1 of 5
Mum thinks she's Dad. **Dad:** Honey, where oh where is a pair of my underwear? **Mum:** Your underwear is under there. **Dad:** Under where? **Mum:** Yes.
Afghan shaking a carpet I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"
Is your mum black ? Cause she has a massive dick.
'Mum' yelled Johnny from the kitchen 'you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ?' 'Yes dear what about it ?' 'Well your worries are over.'
What do you call an aardvark that's been thrown out of a pub? A barredvark!
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your mum.
Tits man or arse man? "Tits man or arse man?" I was asked. I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.
If a stack is first in last out and a queue is first in first out, what is a circular queue? First in never out.
Which sex position produces the ugliest children? I don't know, ask your mum.
My mum says I need to get rid of my blow up sex doll. I don't want to let her down.
my mum didn't know I could make a car out of spaghetti. That was until I drove pasta
[NSFW] What's the worst thing about...? ....getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger. *Yet another Australian pub joke*
'Mum there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home. Shall I give him Grandma ?'
They say that dog is mans best friend ... ... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet
A man walks into a bar.. A man walks into a bar and says: "Hey bartender! I fucked your mum last night!" The bartender looks up and replies: "Fuck off dad, I'm working."
Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I'm saying stuff like "bloody hell" and "brilliant"
My mum said that if I don't get off reddit and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
I went out for a vindaloo last night and my arse is really sore today I can't believe some of the things I do for a free curry.
"When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: 'Oh, two or three'. She wonders why her marriage didn't work.
I told my wife my secret to losing 50 pounds in 1 minute. I buy everyone a round at the pub.
Son: Dad I'm in love with a girl just like mum. Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?
2 little kids, Billy and Tom, are goofing around in a cannibal village. Billys mum sticks her head out and yells... "Billy, stop playing with your food!"
A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar and says: "Hey bartender! I fucked your mum last night!" The bartender looks up and replies: "Fuck off dad, I'm working."