british jokes

How much do flying broomsticks cost at Hogwarts? Quid each.

When i heard they had invented a cure for dyslexia.... It was music to my arse

William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that's crying 'Ice cream! Ice Cream !'

What does Batman's mum shout when it's time for dinner? Nothing. She's dead.

Just heard this one at the pub: What do you call a monkey with a suicide vest? Ba***boom!*** ^(Don't worry, I kicked him out the door.)

Mum: Why does your little brother jump up and down before taking his medicine? Boy: Because he read the label and it said 'shake well before using.'

I know my mum has a dildo because I hear her drawer slam shut every night before she switches off her light in the next room... ...I wish this was a joke.

What do you get for opening the BEST Vietnamese soup joint in London? A great big pho queue.

I grew up in a small town that only had one general store, one bar and one prostitute. Mum found it pretty hard working three jobs

My wife came home one day... ... to find me doing her sister up the arse. "How could you do this to me?" she cried. I responded, "Well, I can't. That's why I'm doing it to her."

A boy has a stunning realization and confronts his mother Boy: Mum! Why am I black and you're white? Mum: Considering all the crazy shit I've done years ago, you should be glad you aren't barking

My best friend dared me to take a shit on an electrified train track. That's the last time I put my arse on the line.

I contemplated suicide earlier. Then I thought about homicide. Finally I thought f*ck it, I hate crosswords, I'm off to the pub.

SEO Expert walks into a bar... An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...

What do you call a fat Japanese bloke... Jackie Chin

So this bloke said to me... He said " I once got my dog to bring back a stick thrown 100 miles away". I said "that's a bit far-fetched"

When the ex asks to be friends... it's like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Hearing problems I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can u describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

When a man sleeps with a lot of women.... ....he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum. -Another gem by Jimmy Carr

After getting picked on by a few lads at college, my mum offered to go down and sort it out. Now they can't bully me for never having a blowjob any more.

There's a queue for the whore house. A guy walks up, fists flying... ... He punches up the fuckline.

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a pub... Barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

A boy was sent home from school for saying the C-word His mum said to the kid: 'that wasn't clever was it?'   The boy replied 'no, it was cunt'

what do you call a queue of jokers? a PUNchline