story jokes

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.