self deprecating jokes

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

I'm so poor that for Christmas my mom cut a hole in my pants so I would have something to play with.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer.

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum. Mary: What about that rad drum? Little Drummer Boy: No Mary: Get out

I'm so confused when the TV voice before a show I'm about to watch says, "For mature audiences only." Can I watch or not?

I'm so sick of employers asking me what I'm doing in the next four years It's not like I have 2020 vision

"In case of emergency break glass" Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can't even open a Cheetos bag.

[vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing

I must be an odd one Because I can't even

I lived in Chinatown for a while. My Chinese friends always played jokes on me. ..I'm so tired of pee-pee in my Coke! It tastes horrible!

I'm so fat... ...my favorite super hero is the supermarket.

Today, coworker deemed herself "unscareable". Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.

I'm so broke that I posed nude for a magazine last week. That's the last time I go to that newsagents!

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

I just killed like a dozen carpenter ants and now I have no idea what I'm going to do with all these little tool belts.

I'm so bad at math that the equation 2n + 2n is foreign to me...

What do you call a one-eyed deer? I have no eye deer...

"Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn't be cows." ~me giving directions

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home I found out that all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I love my yoga pants. I have no idea what they have to do with yoga, but they're great for drinking, smoking and tweeting.

"Give it to me,"She begged. "I'm so wet! Give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

This morning I... changed a lightbulb, then I walked across the street so I could walk into a bar, and then is suddenly realized: my life is a joke.

I have no idea why these women called me a massaging gymnast All I said was that women belong in the kitchen.