story jokes

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

Three men are stranded on a deserted island when they come across a tribe of cannibals. The leader of the tribe walks up to them and says, “If each of you collects 10 fruit and brings them back, we won't eat you”. The three men run off into the forest and the first man comes back with 10 apples. The leader says, “Now stuff them all up yourself without stopping or laughing, otherwise we’ll eat you”. The man tries, but he can't manage all 10, so the tribe eats him. Soon after, the second man comes back with 10 berries and is told the same thing. He gets to 9 berries, then bursts out laughing. The tribe eats him. In Heaven, he meets the first man, who exclaims, “Why did you laugh? Just one more berry and you would have been safe!” The second man says, “Well, I was almost there, then I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples!”

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, “I can see you’re nuts”.

Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

A couple arrived at the sexual health clinic. There was a sign on the door that said: “For family planning and contraceptives, please use the rear entrance”.

Bob rings the doorbell at his friend Mark’s house. Mark’s wife, Michelle, opens the door, wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Bob says, “If I give you $500, will you drop your bathrobe?” Shocked, Michelle refuses. “What about $1,000?” Michelle thinks for a moment, then drops her bathrobe. Bob hands her $1,000 and leaves. She puts her bathrobe back on and heads upstairs. She tells Mark that Bob was at the door, but he’s left. “He did say he was going to stop by,” says Mark. “By the way, did he give you the $1,000 he owes me?”

A girl asks her mother for a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll for Christmas. “But Barbie comes with Ken,” her mother said. “No,” the girl replied, “she just fakes it with Ken”.

An elephant walks up to a man on a nudist beach. It asks him, “How do you breathe through that thing?”

A gynecologist wants a career change, so she enrols in classes to become a mechanic. She’s nervous for the final exam, but studies hard and hopes for the best. When she sees the final grade, she freaks out because it’s 150% and goes to see the instructor. The instructor explains: “You took the entire engine apart, every nut and bolt, without breaking it. That got you 50%. Then you put it all back together perfectly and it ran better than before you’d started. So that got you another 50%”. “But what about the extra 50%?” Asks the woman. “Oh,“ says the instructor. “You got a bonus for doing it all through the muffler”.

A walrus takes his car to the mechanic. The mechanic needs an hour to work out what the problem is, so he tells the walrus to go somewhere and come back later. The walrus decides to head into the nearest ice cream parlor and get a dessert. But he struggles to eat without hands and get ice cream all down himself. After an hour, the walrus heads back to the mechanic’s shop to find out what’s wrong with his car. As soon as he walks in, the mechanic says, “It looks like you’ve just blown a seal”. The walrus replies, “No, it’s just ice cream”.

A man walks into a laundromat and goes up to the guy working behind the counter. He takes the items out of his bag and says: “I need to have these clothes cleaned”. The guy doesn't hear him and says, “Come again?” The man shakes his head and says, “Mustard this time!”

Johnny was sitting in math class one day when his teacher called on him to answer a question. She asked, “If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you fired a gun at one of them, how many would be left?” “None,” Johnny replied, “because the others would all fly away”. “The answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like your way of thinking”. “Now I have a question for you,” said Johnny. “Three women are sitting in an ice cream parlor. One is looking at her ice cream, one is biting hers, and the third is licking it. Which one is married?” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the third one”. “It’s the one wearing the wedding ring,” Johnny replies, “but I like your way of thinking!”

Two men stole an entire stock of viagra from a pharmacy. The police are now on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

A couple is down on their luck, so the husband volunteers to work the street corner for some extra cash. The next night, he comes home with $100.50, and his wife asks, “Which cheap person gave you 50 cents?” The husband replies, “All of them did!”

Two ladies were riding their bikes down an unfamiliar road. “I’ve never come this way before,” says the first. The second replies, “Must be the cobblestones”.

My neighbour thinks it’s fine to sunbathe nude in the garden. Her husband disagrees. Personally, I’m still on the fence.

Three nuns were sitting on a bench, minding their own business. All of a sudden, a man ran past them completely naked. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun also had a stroke. The third nun almost had a stroke, too, but she couldn’t quite reach.

A family of models are burrowing underground when Papa Mole sticks his head above ground and sniffs. “I can smell pancakes!” Mama Mole sticks her head up next and sniffs. “I can smell cookies!” Baby Mole, who is still underground, sniffs next and says, “I can smell molasses!”

A doctor decided to use the skin left over from circumcisions to start a new business selling briefcases. One day, a man comes up to him and asks why his briefcases cost twice as much as the store down the street. The doctor replies: “Because when you rub them, they turn into suitcases!”