therapist jokes

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, “I can see you’re nuts”.

THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he always narrates real life- ME: she complained WIFE: see! ME: she exclaimed WIFE: ME: she was speechless

So a patient walks into my therapist office... [INFORMATION PROTECTED BY THE HIPPA]

I would never write a joke in multiple choice form... Because A) person who thinks that it would B) funny should go C) a psychiatrist.

Everyone has that one friend who treats their Facebook status like their therapist.

Why did the magnet go to the psychiatrist? He was bipolar.

What did the monster say to his psychiatrist? 'I feel abominable.'

Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.

[Therapist's office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*

I can't afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

[getting a massage] Me: I have tension in my lower back. *therapist begins* Me: Lower. Me: Lower. Th: But that's your a- Me: Lower!

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me you fat slob?"

What would a cross-dressing psychologist wear? A Freudian slip

Why was the landlord seeing a psychiatrist? He had an apartment complex.

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself The other one realizes that's what got you into this shit in the first place.

What did the Psychiatrist say to the naked man wrapped in surran wrap? Well I can clearly see your nuts

Group therapy One psychologist asked another psychologist how his agoraphobia group therapy sessions are going. "Not so good." "Why?" "No one ever shows up."

me: "why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?" therapist: "i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith"

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship? I lost him to addiction. Therapist: I'm so sorry. Drugs? Yes please.

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

Next time you see your therapist, see how deep into the session you can go by only saying lyrics from Creed songs.

A couple go to sex therapist Forget a spacebar and have a horrible time

What do you call a therapist? a TALKtor

My therapist said I need to find a new hobby. Besides pissing off therapists.