therapist jokes

What did the pessimist say to the psychologist? Only the good die, Jung.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I'll ask him; "so how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

The therapist told my wife and I not to go to bed angry... we haven't slept in 36 years.

THERAPIST: you're running from something. what do u think it might be? [goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion] ME: uhfailure

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: "she's nuts. This guy rules*

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster Therapist: go on Me: oh so you're taking her side now

Why did the hoagie go to the shrink? He was having problems with his sub-conscious.

A man walks into a therapist's office, looking for closure...

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes a really long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...

A psychiatrist diagnosed me with kleptomania. Now I'm taking things for it.

Why did the bi-sexual bear see a psychiatrist? He was a bi-polar bear

Wife: He's always lying about his celebrity connections.. Therapist: Is this true? Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing plastic wrap underwear. Psychiatrist says "Well, i can clearly see your nuts."

I got fired today from my summer job as a massage therapist My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way

Math, I'm not a therapist... ...Solve your own problems.

"Bitches be crazy." -dog therapist

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

[Therapist's Waiting Room] ME: you're gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren't you WIFE: yup ME: I knew it!

Are you seeing someone? Me: Are you seeing someone? Girl: Um, no. Me: Not even a psychiatrist?

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

[Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.