therapist jokes

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well... I can clearly see your nuts".

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

My therapist told me the reason I have a lower sex life than I want Is because I misinterpret what people are telling me. I'm pretty sure she wants my dick.

[to other patients in psychiatrist's waiting room] I'm not like you people. This is court mandated.

Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist. And he says I'm fine.

I'm getting so pissed off with my new psychiatrist. I'm sure he's only treating my paranoia for the money.

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? One pulls rabbits out of hats and the other pulls habits out of rats.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."

There's a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"...

My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone's facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have? Me: Define "true friend." Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.

How to test your dog's IQ A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $19.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

You're psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.

I had a harder childhood than most. My parents didn't send me to a therapist, they sent me to a theanalrapist.

A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I think its nuts.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?

THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he objectifies women ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance We'll see about that

THERAPIST: how do you feel ME: with my hands THERAPIST: no, like on the inside ME: ohhh...idk probably kinda squishy and weird

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves Yoga instructor: True Nutritionist: So wise Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

I need you to be open with me... ...Said the gynecologist to the psychiatrist

Necrophilia So my parents recently forced me to go to a psychiatrist for my necrophiliac thoughts. Having sex with a dead girl was just a nail in the coffin.