story jokes

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to an old man, who looks pretty sad. He asks him what’s wrong. The old man replies: “See this pub? I crafted these bricks in my own kiln, laid the foundations and built the whole thing myself! But do they call me Alan the Bricklayer? No!” He points out of the window. “See that fence? I chopped down the trees, hammered the nails and put the whole thing together. But do they call me Alan the Fence Builder? No!” Then he says, “See that beer you’re drinking? I brewed it myself, using my own special recipe that has been handed down through my family for generations. But do they call me Alan the Beer Brewer? No!” He slammed his fist on the bar and sighed. “But you make love to a sheep one time...”

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Timmy comes to school late. When the teacher asks why, he tells her, “I had to take a cow down from the barn and get her bred”. Then the teacher asks, “Couldn’t your father do it?” Timmy replies, “Sure, but not as good as the bull”.

One day, a woman decides to spice things up with her husband, so she goes out and buys crotchless underwear. Her husband comes home and she tells him to “come and get some of this”. The husband walks in, but immediately recoils in shock. “Hell no! It bit a hole in your underwear!”

Today, I snapped my g-string. I’m going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth? I hear it was pretty dope.

You know I was thinking about not getting fat, But I really had a lot on my plate at the time..

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and I've finally decided on this one. I don't know what it means, but it looks really cool!

TIL Condoms have serial numbers.. ..but I've never rolled one down far enough to find out..

Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.

here's my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you're welcome

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven't said a word since.

I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun

I hope my search for my lost heroin... isn't in vein.

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today... I told them its the last thing I need.

If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach.... Then you're aiming too high

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith? MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly? *Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

*Running late *Light turns green but car in front wont go *About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco *Is late for work

Organ Freeman http://i.imgur.com/plVQyUC.jpg

Paranoid? I don't even know what that word means. I don't have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.