My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
parenting jokes
3,596 total · showing the first 120 · page 1 of 5
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other."
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
What do you call a group of blind German kids? Not-sees
Dolphins thats just a kids TAIL (get it)
What breaks when you give it to a toddler? Its hips.
Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said "bc time killed the dinosaurs." My kids are never leaving home are they
My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn't want to Go ahead. Have kids
That's it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You'll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
One day my kids will find a "We're Closed" sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I'll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.
My son touched my leg & said "so soft!" Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him. Girls aren't exactly rocket science, guys.
Another joke from my daughter Her: Why did Sally fall off the swing? Me: Why? Her: Because she had no arms. Me: ??? Her: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? Her: Not Sally!
Mom 1: My son's gonna be a pro baseball player Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Just became a father last week! My son is a tea fanatic, can you guess his favorite kind? Tit-tea
Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.
"Why don't you have kids yet?" is a great question, ma'am, but I'm saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My wife Googled "how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter" and now she won't let me stay home alone.
Maybe if I do the opposite and let my kids eat off the floor, more food would end up on the table.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it's when your anaconda don't want none regardless of the presence of buns.
After Michael jackson died.. They melted all the plastic from his face. They took the plastic and made toys. So the kids can play with him for a change.