relationships jokes

sorry ladies, just changed my Facebook relationship status from "Single" to "Costco Member"

My new Girlfriend told me "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship" I still wish she didn't have one.

My girlfriend said she liked the jewelry my grandmother wore so I bought her a life alert necklace

What makes women who own dogs such hot girlfriend material is that you KNOW that foxy mama is used to picking up turds

A senior partner with a herniated disc limps into a conference room Coworker 1: "I feel like the world's moving in slow motion" (pause) Coworker 1: "Oh wait, it's just Charlie" (motions at partner)

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he'd say "Hello Hello, so you think he'd answered and that's why he's dead.

I'm in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don't poop.

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games (alternate) But my preferred style in bed is up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.

My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't stop talking about Star Wars. I said "Please don't leave me, Yoda one for me." In other news, I'm single.

My ex-girlfriend used to have this strange fetish... She used to enjoy being strangled until she turned blue in the face. It's too bad that I am colorblind.

I met my ex girlfriend on a treadmill We had to break up. It wasn't going anywhere.

what do my ex and my toilet have in common? They both keep bringing up old shit

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

*strums ukulele* This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It's called "I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song"

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player... I want us to see other people.

I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....

My girlfriend is: - super sweet - light as a feather - pink - melts in my mouth when I eat her - always at a circus - possibly cotton candy

Me: *pouts at front facing camera* Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm... ... she just spits it out.

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.

The relationship between a man and a woman is psychological. She's a psycho and he's logical.

I always get the last word in arguments with my girlfriend. I just say "Yes ma'am"

What did the conspiracy theorist use as his breakup line? Baby, I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone who's as real as the Moon landing...