none jokes

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."

"The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."

"I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."

"They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline."

Three men are stranded on a deserted island when they come across a tribe of cannibals. The leader of the tribe walks up to them and says, “If each of you collects 10 fruit and brings them back, we won't eat you”. The three men run off into the forest and the first man comes back with 10 apples. The leader says, “Now stuff them all up yourself without stopping or laughing, otherwise we’ll eat you”. The man tries, but he can't manage all 10, so the tribe eats him. Soon after, the second man comes back with 10 berries and is told the same thing. He gets to 9 berries, then bursts out laughing. The tribe eats him. In Heaven, he meets the first man, who exclaims, “Why did you laugh? Just one more berry and you would have been safe!” The second man says, “Well, I was almost there, then I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples!”

How did the woman terrify her gynecologist? She learned ventriloquism.

A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it. The bartender says, “Where did you find that?” “There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies. The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!” All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky. Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!” The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

A couple arrived at the sexual health clinic. There was a sign on the door that said: “For family planning and contraceptives, please use the rear entrance”.

Bob rings the doorbell at his friend Mark’s house. Mark’s wife, Michelle, opens the door, wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Bob says, “If I give you $500, will you drop your bathrobe?” Shocked, Michelle refuses. “What about $1,000?” Michelle thinks for a moment, then drops her bathrobe. Bob hands her $1,000 and leaves. She puts her bathrobe back on and heads upstairs. She tells Mark that Bob was at the door, but he’s left. “He did say he was going to stop by,” says Mark. “By the way, did he give you the $1,000 he owes me?”

What was the problem with the origami adult channel? It was paper view only.

A girl asks her mother for a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll for Christmas. “But Barbie comes with Ken,” her mother said. “No,” the girl replied, “she just fakes it with Ken”.

An elephant walks up to a man on a nudist beach. It asks him, “How do you breathe through that thing?”

A man walks into a laundromat and goes up to the guy working behind the counter. He takes the items out of his bag and says: “I need to have these clothes cleaned”. The guy doesn't hear him and says, “Come again?” The man shakes his head and says, “Mustard this time!”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

Two men stole an entire stock of viagra from a pharmacy. The police are now on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

A couple is down on their luck, so the husband volunteers to work the street corner for some extra cash. The next night, he comes home with $100.50, and his wife asks, “Which cheap person gave you 50 cents?” The husband replies, “All of them did!”

Two ladies were riding their bikes down an unfamiliar road. “I’ve never come this way before,” says the first. The second replies, “Must be the cobblestones”.

My neighbour thinks it’s fine to sunbathe nude in the garden. Her husband disagrees. Personally, I’m still on the fence.

Three nuns were sitting on a bench, minding their own business. All of a sudden, a man ran past them completely naked. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun also had a stroke. The third nun almost had a stroke, too, but she couldn’t quite reach.

A family of models are burrowing underground when Papa Mole sticks his head above ground and sniffs. “I can smell pancakes!” Mama Mole sticks her head up next and sniffs. “I can smell cookies!” Baby Mole, who is still underground, sniffs next and says, “I can smell molasses!”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said, “Yes, the others were all eights and nines”.