none jokes

Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

Because she outgrew her B-shells!

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive."

They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."

"They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline."

How did the woman terrify her gynecologist? She learned ventriloquism.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

What was the problem with the origami adult channel? It was paper view only.

An elephant walks up to a man on a nudist beach. It asks him, “How do you breathe through that thing?”

A walrus takes his car to the mechanic. The mechanic needs an hour to work out what the problem is, so he tells the walrus to go somewhere and come back later. The walrus decides to head into the nearest ice cream parlor and get a dessert. But he struggles to eat without hands and get ice cream all down himself. After an hour, the walrus heads back to the mechanic’s shop to find out what’s wrong with his car. As soon as he walks in, the mechanic says, “It looks like you’ve just blown a seal”. The walrus replies, “No, it’s just ice cream”.

Two ladies were riding their bikes down an unfamiliar road. “I’ve never come this way before,” says the first. The second replies, “Must be the cobblestones”.

Three nuns were sitting on a bench, minding their own business. All of a sudden, a man ran past them completely naked. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun also had a stroke. The third nun almost had a stroke, too, but she couldn’t quite reach.

What do two female vampires say to each other after a date? See you next month.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

What gets longer when pulled, slides over your chest, and is easily inserted? A seatbelt.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a vein in your hotdog.

What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter.