self deprecating jokes

The more time you spend with your lover, the more you become like them. That explains why I'm so childish.

I can odd. But I can't even.

After this winter I'm so excited for spring... I wet my plants

When skinny girls say "I'm so fat" to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

This is the best day of my life! "Why?" I just got 1000 comment karma! "I don't get it, what's the joke?" My life, my life is the joke.

What did the man say who couldn't add the same number to itself? I can't even...

"Luke, I have no idea who your father is." #AlternateUniverseFilms

I'm so smart, I've got more brains than... Kurt Cobain's ceiling

Got my hair done again. I'm so blonde now I can barely spell my last name.

What happens to eskimos who sit on the ice too long? Polaroids! I'm so bored...

Bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find all the pages blank I have no words to describe how angry I am.

If the skin on your elbow is called a weenus... Is the skin on your knee called a knee-nus? (I'm so sorry)

"I have no advice. I can't talk! I am a building." -Prison advice

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I'm so excited.

I'm so glad none of my friends are gay Because they're safe

Sharon: I'm so homesick. Sheila: But this is your home! Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.

Is Google a woman? I can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no... I have no idea who set your car on fire.

I'm so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.

My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

I'm so out of it I just asked my dog to hand me something. To be fair, he gave me the same blank stare my kids would have.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

my life is a joke with no punchline

If my life is like a highway, I sure hope it's like an interstate Lots of opportunities to get off