self deprecating jokes

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn't milk it.

I'm so bad with directions that every time I try to go to Pound Town I end up in the Friend Zone.

The Story Of My Life

I'd have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said "I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look"

Somebody wrote "wash me" on my car. I'm so lazy, I just wrote "no" under it.

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders. I'm so sorry

What type of cereal goes to the gym twice a day? Shredded wheat. I wish I could pin this joke on a 4-year-old, I'm so sorry

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called "Parking Violation".

HER: You've run over my dog ME: I'm so sorry HER: You're gonna have to replace him ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

[at bar] Gee, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse *nearby horse slams down his whisky* COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY *horse throws the 1st punch*

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I'm doing

The only reason I've been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" "You thought I'd like your pretty lights?" "Recite the alphabet backwards" "I can't even do that sober"

I'm so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I'd really like your help on my virtual farm.

I'm so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal? His shoulder. One more...what's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. I'm so sorry

How do you fix a pumpkin With a pumpkin patch... I'm so sorry.

I'm so down on my luck right now, that I can't even afford to change out light bulbs when they burn out... Things don't look so bright

Some people say I have no idea how to run a court room. I'll let you be the judge.

I'm so tired of people saying Hillary sucks... She doesn't. Just ask Bill and Monica.

After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I'd handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?

No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.

The girl I have a date with tonight texted and said 'I have no gag reflex ;) ' So I guess that means I'm taking her to a Nicolas Cage movie

I'm so good at making puns they call me the punisher.