Not to brag but I have approximately 5000 compact discs I haven't listened to since 2003 that are preventing me from moving on with my life.
medium jokes
88,487 total · showing the first 120 · page 5 of 5
I can't stand when guys complain about their girlfriends giving shitty hand jobs I see where they're coming from, but something about it just rubs me the wrong way
If a normal person's mouth waters at a steak? Does a vegan's mouth water when someone is mowing the grass?
*5 puts on shoes* Me: they're on the wrong feet. 5: but I can't... Me: can't..? 5 I don't have any more feet to put them on. Me: touche
What do you call a semiaquatic, furry little animal than never amounted to anything in it's life? An *otter* failure (I'll see myself out)
Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30's sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.
the miracle of being a teen mom when you get pregnant young and your baby is born, hes feet are so small but even so he manages to stomp your dreams and goals.
A priest and a rabbi... A priest and a rabbi see a young boy. Priest: "Let's fuck him." Rabbi: "Out of what?"
"Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?" *throws pineapple against grocery store wall* "Ah nuts that was a good one."
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says "keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY. My best time so far is 7 min.
My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."
Green day is playing on the only two alternative rock stations in my neighborhood... There is no alternative.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I'm currently working up the courage to tell my husband he's gay.
Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
So Trump wants to ban Muslims. But if prohibition has taught me anything it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I'm setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing my wife.
Being in middle management is like being a toilet seat... Look up and you see a bunch of arseholes, look down and all you see are shits.
Hey girl, are you an overdue library book? Cuz I'm gonna stuff you in the back of my car then forget about you
My buddy's autistic twin brother has a seizure while on a camping trip, causing my buddy to miss his first day on the job at Dominoes. "Tell the manager your brother had a Little Caesar"
Do you know what a girl says when she sees a big...NSFW Do you know what a girl says when she sees a big dick? *when the person says: 'no what'* I do
My friend once talked me out of jumping off a building with my new homemade glider wings. He said I didnt understand the gravity of the situation.
What's better Jesus or a picture of Jesus A picture because it only takes one nail to hang a picture.