valentines day jokes

Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.

What is 6" long and not getting sucked this Valentine's day? Whitney Houston's crack pipe

Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine's Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.

Buys valentine. Writes "I love you" inside. Mails card to self. Receives card in mail. Reads card. "Eww, why do I attract losers?"

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

So I've decided that my Wi-Fi will be my valentine. Idk, we just have this connection.

Wished my wife a 'Happy Valentine's ay!' I'll give her the D later.

"Honey, remember our first date?" "Awh, are you planning something for Valentine's?" "No, I forgot my password. It's the security question."

What's similar between an old lady's vagina and an apple pie? You've got to bite through the crust to get to the cream inside Happy Valentine's day everyone ;)

I have a feeling that Scalia was sad that he was going to be alone on Valentine's Day... ...and it broke his heart...

A poem for Valentine's Day Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.

Valentine's Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.

What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

Had a three-way on Valentine's night... Me and Ben & Jerrys. I'm so lonely.

I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine's Day. I hope she finds someone nice.

Wife: Valentine's day is right around the corner. Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

911: What's your emer- She said don't get her anything for Valentine's Day! 911: And you didn't? No! 911: Placing you in protective custody.

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day.. Or you can just take the whole thing.

If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.

I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society... It's the thought that cunts!

For valentine's day, I'm taking my wife to see "50 Shades". How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

If Ryan Gosling doesn't ask me to be his valentine, I'm moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade

Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.