So I went to the doctor's office today. He tells me I need to stop masturbating. I ask him why, is my heart to weak, or something? He says "no, im trying to examine you..
doctor jokes
2,252 total · showing the first 120 · page 4 of 5
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor) Me: Mmm, this tastes good. Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I got my results from the doctor today. The positive news is I've got HIV.
doctor: here's your x-ray me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it's cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
What happened to the pessimistic abortion doctor? He developed a de-fetus attitude.
The doctor said I had, at best, a year to live... So I shot him. The judge gave me 30.
I went to see my doctor about my insomnia. Not sure he appreciated me knocking on his door at 3AM.
What's the difference between a weatherman and a well-hung dick doctor? One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.
Went to the doctor's office for my flu shot. He promised it wouldn't hurt... Insensitive prick.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny's Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Yesterday I went to the doctor with a sinus infection But he told me it was all in my head.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
*registering with a doctor* Receptionist: "Thanks for filling in the form - you've missed the next of kin section" *batman runs out crying*
Why are some jokes so funny? -Doctor, Doctor why are some jokes so painfully funny? -It must be the punchline
An obese man was standing naked in front of his doctor He said "Doc. I haven't seen my dick in 3 years". Doctor said "Then why don't you diet?" The fat man replied "What color is it now?"
Doctor doctor I keep dreaming there are great gooey bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed. What shall I do? Hide the tiddley winks.
What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work? Suture self!
"Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms" -There's nothing I can do "There isn't?" -Not until you bring in your other two arms
What did the doctor say when his patient said "I think I'm two spoons!" "Shut the fork up."
I have a cut on my leg Doc "Yeah that legs gotta go sir" But its a tiny cut "Sorry, I cant save it" *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I'm not too concerned about this whole terminal illness deal... My doctor said it should be the last thing I worry about.
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a python. Oh you can't get round me like that you know.