money jokes

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don't need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

My brother and I share the same birthday. We aren't twins, our parents are just fucking cheap.

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank I said "Get a load of this guy," every time someone walked in.

Two people are walking down the street...... One is a musician. The other doesnt have any money either.

My ex girlfriend broke up with me because I quoted Linkin Park too much. But in the end it doesn't even matter.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't go to the gym with me. We just weren't working out.

1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your "Real World Money"?

50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies... Well first it tied them, then it beat them.

People say that money is not the key to happiness... ...but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers

Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away....the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum

I tell my wife we are broke so we don't end up broke.

Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.

I'm not saying she's a slut but she did get fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.

WE WOULD BE RICH IF YOU SAID JUST ONE DAMN WORD! -drunken me to my dog

Did you hear about the guy who broke into Tiger Woods' house? Took a lot of balls.

I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

Instead of a wallet, I always keep my money in an envelope that says "For the orphans" so people will feel terrible if I'm ever murdered.

Why did the brothel run out of money? Because all of the investors pulled out.

Happy Mother's Day To all the guys and sperm bank who helped you get your gifts and brunch today

I just want a girl that's nice and sweet that doesn't require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement? A 401(K-9).

Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money? She didn't believe in prophets.

Homeless man: Change please Me: sorry dude I don't have any money on me Homeless man: No, change...That outfit is hideous

Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette? He didn't have enough money tabaccer!