My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
none jokes
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
3 unwritten rules of life... 1. 2. 3.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
"I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy."
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: "They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.