work jokes

HR: "You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact." Me: "Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."

I was asked where I see myself in fives at a job interview Apparently "riding your mom" was not the right answer

going to office: late . going to a doctors appointment: late . going to a friends house: late . going to a concert: 8 hours early

Today, coworker deemed herself "unscareable". Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.

I told my boss that I wanted a raise. The boss, like a jackass, replied, "How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?" "About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.

The writers for The Office have drifted out of touch with modern office life. Nobody is employed anymore.

Common synonyms of unemployed. Writer, blogger, and activist.

*notices it's not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss...*nn*...to 5 insomniacs*

[Science Meeting, 1924] Why don't we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It's not like they'll ever really check "Let's do it"

A man calls in sick... "It's my eyes," he says. "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."

Boss: I'm following you on Twitter. Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower! [Days later] Me: Oh wait. Shit.

Why was the meeting for impotent men cancelled? They knew no one would come.

Congrats, you've been selected for the job Me: Whats the salary? 10k now and will increase to 25k later Me: Ok then, I will come later

i don't see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower's job to clean me

[job interview] "any questions?" yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart? "ma'am this is a bank" I know but you seem like a man with some answers

My boss told me to have a good day.. So I went home.

I got a job as a triangle player in a reggae band... I just stand at the back and ting.

Boss: "late again I see" Brain: think of a good excuse! Mouth: "your moms late." Brain: wow....

Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.

Gay marriage is legal in 6 states, but having sex with a horse is legal in 23 states. Good job, America.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

[interview for an accounting job] Your resume says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job? "You do the math"

[Dollar Store Interview] "What are your qualifications?" [Slides over a dollar] "Cashier job is yours" [Slides $2] "Welcome to Management"

I still don't understand why my boss didn't like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.