work jokes

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go

My New Job I told my wife I had a new job in a bowling alley. She said 'Ten pin?' I said 'No, it's permanent'

[first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?" *gets stabbed*

So my husband asked me if I anted a boob job... I replied "How much does it pay?"

You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

These days my boss has been getting on my nerves. See I'm a brick layer and he is always yelling to layer the bricks faster and faster... These days everyone wants instant stratification.

Coworker: got a second? Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

[Therapist's office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*

[Doctor office] -How are you feeling? -Not good. -Any side effects from the medication? *cries tears of fire* -Now that you mention it...

Sometimes it's hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don't have a job.

*job interview* Boss: Give an example of when you've done something creative Me: When I listed my 'experience' on the application form

Had a summer job helping to make art out of elephant dung. It was pretty shit.

A guy asked me out! Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is. FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all of the signs were there.

What did Hillary Clinton say when they took down her private email server? R.I.P. My Inbox

They say there are no stupid questions, but in every meeting there is one person who tries to prove this incorrect.

Approximately how many cows does it take to stock a grocery store with beef? Most of them won't even show up to work, but if you can get them there, two should be able to handle the job.

For hire: Unemployed dwarf No job; too small

Why did the comedian without a tongue lose his job? All his jokes were a bit tasteless.

I would like to work as a janitor in Microsoft. I could see myself excel in that job.

What do you call it when someone relies on sleep studies for a profession? a rem job

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your Job still sucks