shock humor jokes

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door.

What did the lipstick and the eye-shadow do after they got into a fight? Had makeup sex

My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm... ... she just spits it out.

"The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in." ~my mother after a few drinks

Girl, You're like the devil. Hot as hell and horny.

Here in the Middle East, we don't need any weed We have the Quran. Burning that shit will get your ass stoned.

Interviewer to me: what is your weakness? I replied : Honesty. Interviewer : But Honesty is not a weakness that's a good thing. I replied: I do not give a fuck what you think.

I like the phrase bury the hatchet because it implies someone was trying to resolve an argument with a fucking hatchet

How do you say "Fuck you" in American Sign Language? Lift your hand up and put all fingers down except your middle finger.

I invented a new sex position called the JFK I splatter all over her while she feverishly tries to get out of the car.

Whenever I have sex, my eyes water and I find it hard to breathe... The doctor says its the mace.

What do you call a camel in the North Pole? Lost..... Why the fuck would a camel be in the North Pole?

What did the worker ant say when the queen ant asked him to make mittens for all of the other ants? *Fuck.*

Tits man or arse man? "Tits man or arse man?" I was asked. I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.

I was fired from my job as a mortician after I was caught having sex on the job I guess it was the final nail in the coffin.

Why don't you have sex with a nameless man? Because no matter what you call him, he won't come. Edit: spelling

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a child, you'll probably hate it as an adult

Every time I pinch a loaf; I think,"I don't knead this shit."

I tried phone sex for the first time the other day... Didn't really like it though, the phone was too cold.

I tried this new oral contraceptive I asked a girl to have sex with me and she said no

Apparently, having sex with a condom... is not as good as having sex with a person.

I'm an 8 day old fetus And I believe music from the olden days is better than today's shit.

I had sex with a Chinese girl. It was great... But I was horny again an hour later.

What do sex and The Big Issue have in common? (Original Joke) I buy them exclusively from homeless people