family jokes

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She's very lovely but is best appreciated at a distance.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I'm a mean cat

What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common? They both thought "my mom's gonna kill me."

You were a still born baby.. Mother didn't want you but you were still born.

Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister. It tastes the same but it's still wrong.

Went to my friend's house for a night of drinking... ...crashed on the couch. I was awoken in the middle of the night by my friend blowing chunks. Chunks is the family dog

I am 48 and my wife is 8 months pregnant. am i too old to be a dad?

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

So my great-grandpa died at Auschwitz.... An overused joke fell on top of him and crushed him.

If a family's last name is Smear, do the kids call their grandpa Pap Smear?

A man's wife died and he called wife's parents many times after some time Mother in Law: Stop calling. How many times we need to tell you that she died? Man: It pleases me to listen that she died.

DAD: What happened to your car? SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn't work. DAD: Well... SON: Don't- DAD: There's no going back now

Dating a redneck The only thing worse than the friend zone is the family zone. But when a redneck says she loves you like a brother, its go time.

My mom told me not to kill the spider but to take it out... so I did, we had a few drinks, top lad he is..currently working as a web designer.

On my birthday, my family tried to surprise me with a car But they missed.

Why did the jewish boy's ghost costume only have one eye hole? His dad didn't want to buy him a new sheet.

Pots and pans set: $70. Wrapping paper: $5. Tape: $3. Watching your mother unbox and attempt to wrap said pots and pans: priceless.

Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.

So apparently "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my real dad!" isn't of much use when dealing with armed cops.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his mother in the jaw.

What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose? Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love? Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."

As told to me by my dad who smokes a lot Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar.

Did you hear about the cvs looted by BLM supporters? They took everything but the sunscreen and Father's Day cards.