health jokes

A doctor enters a patients room and pulls out an anal thermometer from his pocket and says Damn. Some asshole has my pen.

I went to the doctor and told him I thought I might be a kleptomaniac. He said, "Here, take these pills." So I took them.

I was on diet for a month and all I lost was 30 days How many of you know this funny man pakalu papito ? Its one of his joke.

What did the doctor say to the man wearing cling-film? I can clearly see you're nuts

My wife was so sick this morning... that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

Doctor Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ? I never make rash promises !

Got bad news today. Doctor says I have Nimitz Disease. But don't worry. I'm just a carrier.

The other day my doctor told me I had to stop masturbating... ...when I asked why, he said "So I can finish the examination."

Hillary's doctor tells her she has the heart of a 20 year old And now he wants her to give it back to whoever she carved it out of their chest.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I'm the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation. That came out of nowhere.

Why don't skeletons get sick? Because they always have an anti-body

I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

[hospital] Looks like ur Vine went viral. "Yay!" Sorry ur VEIN went viral...you have a fatal blood disease. "So waitmy Vine didn't go viral?"

What's the difference between a doctor and a chair salesman? The chair salesman gives YOU a stool sample.

The judge gave me 7 days to live... So I shot myself. The doctor gave me 4 months. Problem solved. B)

Subway's Jared Fogle sentenced to 15.6 years... Where his diet will be regulated to just 6 inchers.

Why was John Lennon shocked when he got his wife's gynecologist bill? He had misunderstood the doctor when he said "I do probe Ono."

Batman: I told you, if it's mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang.. Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes

A man calls in sick... "It's my eyes," he says. "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."

MY KNUTS My nuts hurt so bad. Doctor says I'll have to chop em.

The next batch of women who get plastic surgery Will have a stamp on their paperwork that shows they made with 33% recycled Joan Rivers.

Knock-Knock... -Who's there? -Doctor. -Doctor Who? -No, bitch. Doctor House.

I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.