health jokes

a man goes to the doctor... "Whats wrong with me?" "You have to stop masturbating." "Why?" "So that I can examine you."

I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

I'm so sick of employers asking me what I'm doing in the next four years It's not like I have 2020 vision

my doctor gave me 2 months to live when i told him i wouldnt be able to pay off my medical bills by then, he gave me another 2 months

A 9 year old patient in the hospital i work at had to have his leg amputated. He asked the doctor "will my leg ever grow back?" The Doctor replied "sorry Johnny, you only limb once"

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?! MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham. W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

What do you call the ultimate fish doctor? The Sturgeon General

Whenever I have sex, my eyes water and I find it hard to breathe... The doctor says its the mace.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?" Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I'd have to stay away from carbs So I've been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

Why did the dog go to the hospital? He was feeling ruff.

There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe, call in sick tomorrow.

What's the difference between illegal and unlawful? One's against the law and the other is a sick bird.

75% of men dont get enough fibre in their diet.. ....tough shit

I can't believe they still have commercials for phone sex. What kind of sick maniac enjoys "talking on a phone?"

What do you call the nicest guy in the hospital? The Ultra-sound guy..... Who covers him when he's not available? The hip replacement guy!

What does a vampire on a diet drink? Blood Lite Thanks Jim Butcher...

Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a pair of curtains! Well that's more of a mental health issue, I'm not really qualified to help you.

Doctor, the suppositories you prescribed for me are horribly bitter! -- Have you been ... eating them? -- No, I've been shoving them up my ass!

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

LPT: Don't let a doctor examine you without clothes on Make him put his clothes on

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

"Can someone call me a doctor?!" You're a doctor. "Please I'm losing my patience!" You're a terrible doctor.