marriage jokes

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting to fat? She can wear your wife's clothes.

THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he always narrates real life- ME: she complained WIFE: see! ME: she exclaimed WIFE: ME: she was speechless

last night, my wife started smoking. but it was ok - I just slowed down a bit and used some lube.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off teh cliff? tequila

My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I'm currently working up the courage to tell my husband he's gay.

I'm setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing my wife.

I had a fight once. "You should see the other guy!" I said. My wife agreed. She's been seeing him for years now, they're a lovely couple.

Why does Donald Trump have a foreign wife? Because some jobs American's just won't do.

My wife's returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking 'with each other' was the wrong response.

How many hillbillies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2. A man, his wife, and his cousin

What did Eric Garner's wife say to him? Would it kill you to go sell a few cigarettes? too soon?

My wife says I'm too nosy. At least that's what she said in her diary.

I was in my space ship with my pregnant wife, travelling about .95c, when she suddenly went into labor. Turns out time wasn't the only thing that was dilated.

Wife: Have u done anything today? Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street Wife: Wheelie? Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk

The wife and I were trying to spice things up in the bedroom... so now I cumin her every thyme.

Confucius say... Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders who supported Atlas ? His wife !

I just read an article about a woman who killed her husband, boiled his body, and turned it into homemade jelly she kept in her pantry! It was really jarring.

[As a tornado destroys their home] Wife: You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Husband: I really miss Baywatch.

Pasta joke My wife laughed when I told her I was planning to bulld a car made out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

My wife always takes up two parking spaces. She ought to go on a diet.

My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more. Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!