marriage jokes

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

*strums ukulele* This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It's called "I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song"

My wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day. I lost it.

I joke a lot about how horrible my wife and kid are, but in reality you should know that it's not funny at all and it really sucks for me.

Why don't married men live as long as single men? They don't want to!

I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks... I didn't want to interrupt her.

Wife: Are you crying in there? Me crying: NO! W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door* Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Prank Caller- Hello! is your refrigerator running?? Me- No, but the dishwasher is.. Prank Caller- Huh??? Me- Yeah my wife's out on a jog...

How is a marriage similar to a deck of cards? Starting off with 2 hearts and a diamond seems great but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.

My wife Googled "how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter" and now she won't let me stay home alone.

My husband asked me to act like a "naughty school girl" for him so I forged a note from my mother saying I don't have to participate.

I love spending my Sundays sat watching the F1. My wife thinks I'm going f*cking mental though, just sitting there staring at the top left of my keyboard for several hours at a time.

What did Buddy Fletcher, accused ponzi scheme runner and husband of reddit's CEO, say to the duck? [deleted]

The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house.........I got the outside.

Me and my wife decided to form a suicide pact... Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.

ME: Why are you leaving? WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago ME: Manhasset been that long?

My wife bought me Dunkin Donuts k-cups for my Keurig... Now, it's like I finally have an Indian in the Cupboard.

Me: It's not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal. Her: Why don't you get married? Me: I've never been that hungry.

My kid just randomly recited my wife's cell phone number that we had no idea he knew. Now we're getting fitted for suits and hitting Vegas.

What did the string say when the rope proposed marriage? "Let's knot."

My phone never asks me to put my husband down.

What's the difference between your wife and your job? Your job sucks

Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife is dead.

I married a kleptomaniac... She stole my heart.