pets jokes

*uses Oujia board* SMELLS LIKE UPDOG me: what's updog? NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT me: what cat: what

*petting a dog* So how long have you been blind, officer? *gets arrested*

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

As a bootleg vet, I get asked to turn cats into dogs it's a ruff job.

My dog ate itself I think he's Asian

Why are dog boners so classy? Because their pinkie is out ^gross

WE WOULD BE RICH IF YOU SAID JUST ONE DAMN WORD! -drunken me to my dog

If weed becomes legalized after Snoop Dog dies He'll be rolling in his grave

Tomorrow I am going to dig up and open the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. Cannot wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!

What kind of dog can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador.

Q: Why was the cat afraid of the tree? A: Because of its bark.

Roger Ailes buys a puppy. He calls it Colby.

What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement? A 401(K-9).

I'm just a girl, sitting in her car, wondering what the person I texted "I'm in the cat" to, is thinking right now.

I started a band with my dog. He barks while I eat Cheetos. It's indie, you wouldn't get it.

I watched Mad Max and now I'm riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah ? A dog that chases cars - and catches them !

How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard? Put him in your back yard.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger's cat.

Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite, and he's a hero. I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I'm an asshole? Really, History?

Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

What do you say to a cat eating your poop? Scat Cat! (credit goes to RuPaul)

What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? Ruff

What do you call a zoo with only one dog in it? A shitzoo.