religion jokes

I just wish God hadn't hidden all of my talents so well.

Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money? She didn't believe in prophets.

"Oh my god! Sarah Jessica Parker is a competitive sprinter?!" "Greg, calm down! This is just the Kentucky Derby."

Birds that land and then WALK across the street... what the hell is wrong with you?

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain] "Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes" Him: "Who the hell are you and should I be scared?"

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

When the book of Revelations was written, the writer wrote that the end of the world would be signaled by trumpets. In fact, God had said Trump/Pence.

Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.

Do know who the ultimate CrossFitter was? Jesus.

Best pickup line EVER! I would call heaven and report a missing angel.... But I'm actually hoping that you are a slut.

Two atoms are walking down the street... One of them says, "Oh my. I think I've lost an electron." And the other says, "Oh my God! It's a talking atom!"

God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

Atheists don't believe in God or the "i before e except after c" rule of spelling.

JESUS: Happy Father's Day, Joe. [hands over present] JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it- [present is empty] [Jesus and God hi-5]

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Why do some people think Jesus was black? Cause he is our father, and he never came back.

Me: Will you- Hubs: No Me: Can you- Hubs: Nope Me: Are you- Hubs: Oh no Me: Sex? Hubs: Yes Me: Oh hell no..... Communication is important.

Jesus must have had a chiseled, muscular body... I mean, he did cross fit, for God's sake. And the Bible tells us he was cut, ripped, and shredded.

*brain waking up* oh god please not again I can't keep existing in this reality *brain 20 minutes later* 1000000 chameleons is a chamillion

"And... uh... chocolate kills dogs." - God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?

How did Jesus stay in such good shape? Cross fit.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait.. He drove a Honda. But he didn't like talking about it. John 12:49 : > For I did not speak of my own Accord.

Oh thank God (what I think every time I enter an public restroom that's empty)