Before i was born, i was given two choices 1. Have a large penis but suffer from memory loss. 2. Have a tiny penis but be very smart and remember everything. I do not remember which option i took.
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Happy to report that I just made People magazine's list of top 100 million people on Twitter.
How to open a letter: 1. Carefully remove seal 2. Slide your finger unde--okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:1. Stay together forever2. Break upNo pressure.
How to wash dishes like a bachelor: 1. Put in sink 2. Wait
Ted Cruz thinks: 1. Presidents should pray every day 2. More prayers the better 3. Muslims pray 5x day 4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.
Reasons to keep spiders around 1. Eat flying insects 2. Occasional source of protein during sleep 3. We make rad webs 4. They do i mean they
1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. - Toddler To Do List
Business Idea: 1. Join dating site. 2. Arrange dates with 30 people at your house, all at the same time. 3. TIMESHARE PRESENTATION.
Rules for being a good neighbor: 1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS 2. Don't forget rule number one.
If you love someone: 1. Set them free 2. Drunk dial them 3. Read too much into their FB posts 4. Make them feel sorry for you 5. Die alone
Asked a tennis player about his views on Trumps 2nd Amendment gaffe ( joke ) and Omar Mateens father sitting right behind her in her rally 1. Trumps Comment: Foul 1. Hillary's: Unforced Error
My new career path: 1. Learn soccer 2. Move to Ghana 3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer
Now that Brexit is over we can expect 1. Nexit 2. Frexit 3. Grexit 4. Departugal 5. Italeave 6. Czechout 7. Outstria 8. Finish 9. Slovakout 10. Latervia 11. Byegium 12. Polend
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan: 3. Remove moisture from the air 2. Remove odor from the air 1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Hobbies include: 1. Crying about the past 2. Procrastinating in the present 3. Worrying about the future
How to taste wine: 1. Slosh. 2. Smell. 3. Slosh. 4. Place ear over glass to hear the flavor. 5. Write short historical fiction starring wine
THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT'S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT'S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS
In Germany, these are the three main fat groups: 1. Gesattigt Fett (Saturated Fat) 2. Trans Fett (Trans Fat) 3. Boba Fett
The three unwritten rules of life. 1. 2. 3.
Xmas Russian Roulette: 1. Sit next to parents. 2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop. 3. Go to the website it auto completes to.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf