nurse jokes

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says "some asshole has my pen" edit: Original Joke by Jimmy Carr (thanks /u/gacres57)

Nurse: Where does it hurt? Me: *Points to heart* Nurse: Awwww that is so cute! Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

NURSE: I promise. It's ok. You can come in. MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. "Some asshole's got my pen"

My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse. Me: You can be one day, if you want. Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I'm going to be a Power Ranger.

A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor... The nurse replies, "Not with that eye!"

The makers of Dr Pepper are changing their recipe, using less expensive ingredients. The new soda will be called, Nurse Practicioner Pepper.

After my prostate exam.... After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came. At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"

Did you hear what happened when there was an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school nurse sent everyone to the croakroom.

A man was undressing for the nurse behind a curtain He asks, "Where do you want me to put my clothes?" She says, "On top of mine."

You didn't have to say "he's a male nurse." When you said 'he' my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket..... and thinks, "some asshole has my pen"

You know you're in for a rough Prostate Exam... ...when you get into "position" and, right after the doctor snaps his gloves on, the nurse leans forward and gives you the "safe word"

John Cena wakes up ... **John Cena wakes up in a hospital** John Cena: Where am I? Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you can't.

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

After my prostrate exam, the nurse asked me an interesting question. She asked "Who was the guy in the lab coat?"

A man runs into a hospital yelling "Im having a stroke!" The nurse replies, "I know sir, but can you please put your penis back in your pants?!?"

Nurse: "It says here you're lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?" Me: "No. I just really, really can't stand polos with crocodiles on them."

Nurse walking down a hallway reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer... She says, "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Fuck that. It's the nurse's job.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that's a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse [Everyone dies]

Me: How dilated is she? Nurse: 4 centimeters. Me: This is America. Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

Some asshole has got my pen is what the nurse said when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket. edit: punctuation.

[Clinic waiting room] Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??! Nurse: Sir don't shout that! Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?