health jokes

The Size of my Penis is Very Private It's information that should be kept between me, my doctor, and his wife.

Why did Hugh Glass go to the doctor? Because he felt grizzly after months of unbearable pain.

Michael Jackson's latest autopsy report states that he didn't actually die at home. He died in the hospital - he was found in the children's ward having a stroke.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick

I am sick and tired of women jokes!! period!

Doctor: I have some bad news. You HAVE to stop masturbating. Man: OMG Doc, WHY? Doctor: I'm trying to examine you.

When my wife was giving birth to our child, I asked the doctor... - When can we have sex? He winked at me and replied - My shift ends in 10 minutes, let's meet outside.

Instead of "the John" I decided to start calling my bathroom "the Jim" I needed to workout more. Now first thing in the morning I always go to the Jim!

Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom? He was sick of all its shiitake.

So I have half a joke about a guy, Who is really shook up about his Parkinson's diagnosis... But I just cant quite put my finger on the punchline.

I want to make a joke about my eye doctor. But it sounded very cornea.

Pen A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

Doctor: You're obese. Patient: ***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***

An average person has sex 300 times a year. The next 10 days are gonna be sick.

What I say: I'm on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

I was talking to my Jewish doctor friend... And I asked him how much he charges for a curcumcision. He said that he does it for free, but he gets to keep the tip.

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them...

A teenager goes in for his regular physical Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Teen: No Doctor: Do you smoke or do drugs? Teen: No. I'm also not sexually active. Doctor: Well no shit

Snake: eat that apple Adam:nah S:u scared A:no S:lol u scared A: *eats apple* S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop

DOCTOR: Here's some medicine, for your well-being. GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being

DON'T QUESTION YOUR DOCTOR A man went to see his doctor. "You need to stop masturbating," the doctor told him. The man asked, "Why?" The doctor replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

So I went to the doctor's office today. He tells me I need to stop masturbating. I ask him why, is my heart to weak, or something? He says "no, im trying to examine you..