parenting jokes

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

Dear Kanye West, Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies. Then I eat them all by myself. Screw those kids.

Legos are a lot like boobs. They're meant for kids, but Dad always ends up playing with them

Mayweather Vs Pacquiao A fight ? That's a laugh .... I've had tougher fights getting my kids to take their baths!!

My son was thrown out of school today.... for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said "son, that's three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you"

I've made my decision. I can finally say that I'd like to have some kids. Trust me, I know I can raise then right. Does anybody know where I can find some goats?

I had to take my son's dirty diaper off today. I don't know why I was wearing it in the first place.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night. Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do? *falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

So my dad gathered all of us kids together and said "Now I'm only going to say this once!" .... then turned and walked away.

My son found a SEVEN leaf clover on the neighbor's back porch! I don't have the heart to tell him that it's really a marijuana leaf.

I hate it when kids say that they hate vegetables. Like what the hell did Steven Hawking do to you?

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means? Me: We have to be quick! *Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

What do kids eat for breakfast? Yogoat!

I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!" -Mormon kids

Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won't ever ask about babies.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I'll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed: 1. To surprise them with it. 2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

Using my son's raincoat as a hat so my hair doesn't get messed up. He's doing the cutest little shivers!