parenting jokes

Joke from my daughter. What is bruce banners favourite kind of potato? HULK'S MASH! no idea where she picked it up from, but it made me chuckle

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There's room for 2 more members Son: but there's 3 of us Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

Most 00's kids won't get these... Decent jobs

When my kids misbehave we watch 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

WIFE: You can't tell kids they're grounded anymore ME: Why not? W: They weren't our kids M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

A Disney joke not for the kids "How many thingamabobs does Ariel have?" 20? "Twenty-*one*. She got the last one when she wished for legs."

I'm dressing up as Bernie Sanders for halloween I'm going to take the candy from the rich kids and give it all to the poor ones

A bunch of kids from the varsity Minecraft team bullying an athletic loser who brought a football to school.. Visions of future war

[after tee ball game] Wife: we brought snacks for the kids. Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Would bet there's a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car ...

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips. Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic. Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids? Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

For those with kids who love Frozen..... Knock Knock. Whose there? You. You who? You Who, big summer blowout! (Norwegian accent)

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Let's go ride our bikes.

Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married. Or settle down with a couple of kids.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won't eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I'll hold. Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? - me introducing my kids to strangers.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around.

My son just hugged me. Him: You smell good. Me: Like what? Him: *sniffs* You smell like love. Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

Kids here's a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning

Why is modern porn so awful?! What is that clitoris drum-like slapping?! What do we teach our kids?!

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

Kids these days can't do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn't have Google. So, I pretty much couldn't do shit.