christmas jokes

What did Timmy get for Christmas? Cancer

The 4 stage of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus 3. You are Santa Clause 4. You look like Santa Claus

What does a Jew do to make them love Christmas? Install a parking meter on the roof.

[Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see

Hopefully George Michael was an organ donor... ... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart

I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.

What is red and white and red and white and red and ....? Santa Clause rolling down a hill

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas? GLOVES! Just kidding, he hasn't opened the box yet

ELF: Santa one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen.

What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas Boss: it's May Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

What do you call a gay Jewish and Chinese couple? Christmas dinner every night. Happy holidays reddit!

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. They're great for separating independent Clauses.

Great gift for Trump supporters: Place a bar of soap in their Christmas stocking and beat them with it after they fall asleep

We everyone, I wish a of you ovey people a happy christmas, ive ife to the fu est, and make merry with a your fami ies. crap sorry, noel.

What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when he's not spending enough time with her? You're getting too wrapped up in your work!

Why didn't Santa give presents to any world leaders? Because he thinks they're part of the illumi-naughty

Why is Santa always so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.

How does Santa make new baby reindeer? In vitro, in Prancer, in Dancer, in Vixen.

What did the ghost say on December 25th? Scary Christmas!

I am a bit disappointed by the slow cooker I got for Christmas I was hoping for a fast maid

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

Do you know this new perfume called 'A Christmas Miracle? Well, on christmas eve, put a finger in your ass,   If it smells good it's a christmas miracle

Whats you favorite Christmas joke? I know this is an unorthodox post, but, I would love to hear your favorites!