My girlfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. That's all I'm spending on her for Christmas. So far she's getting a McChicken.
christmas jokes
2,161 total · showing the first 120 · page 4 of 5
Hey Target, it's Mid October, calm the fcuk down!-Santa
Mommy, why am I getting my Christmas presents in august? "Because it's cheaper than chemo"
What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God? Eggnog-stic.
Why does Santa deliver all the presents Because it's for a good clause
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Just kidding... He hasn't unwrapped his present yet
Really stupid math joke What do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Dec 25 = Oct 31
My girlfriend is like Christmas.. Only comes once a year.
Did you hear Santa is getting divorced? Mrs. Clause caught him with a HO-HO-HO......
What did the black kid get for christmas? Your bike.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away! Well grandma, that's how organ donation works.
A Christmas joke for you: Where do snowmen go to dance? The snowball!
Anyone hear what Russia is eating for Christmas? Turkey... Too soon?
I get my wife the same thing every year for Christmas, a dildo and a pair of slippers If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself
My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it. Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
Good news, insomniacs! Only 1 more sleep 'til Christmas!
Where is the 'L' in christmas? There is noel
Coffee asked "Why do I always get coal in my stocking." Santa: Because your on the Not Tea list.
Out of all of Santa's reindeer, the one that sounds most like a street name for crystal meth is all of them.
Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.
Chris Rock and Drake Bell should make a Christmas special together, about making a song for a product... ...and call it "Jingle Bell Rock."
Me: "Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?" Boss: "It's May." Me: "Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?"
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas. Now I'm fucking stuck taking care of a puppy.
For Christmas last year I got a sweater. This year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.