lawyer jokes

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won the dog bit him.

Why did the satanist become a lawyer? He wanted to be the devil's advocate.

Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven...

[Lawyer] "I can't stress this enough. You cannot plead that you're a wizard ok?" "ok" [Later in court] "I plead that im a wizard your honor"

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him! ME AS NIETZSCHE'S LAWYER: your honour we're gonna need a recess

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's a scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and the other's a fish.

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You'll be fine.

I don't often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn't won an arguement for 15 years.

What's common between a lawyer and an eccentric billionaire with bad teeth? Both have a very expensive retainer.

"Are you sure this lawyer is good?" Yeah, why? "He pronounced sue like sway"

Lawyer Joke You know it was a cold day in Washington when you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

[Interview room] Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!

A lawyer contracts a cold for two hours. What does he have? A brief case.

My lawyer friend loves board games... ...but he has been sad lately, ever since he started that Risk-free 30-day trial.

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Where is the best place to hide a lawyer? In a brief case.

Whenever I hear the phrase "Power of Attorney" I always imagine someone being bitten by a radioactive lawyer.

I saw this one guy really, really beat Bobby Flay It was his ex wife's lawyer.

Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.

Mickey Mouse's lawyer calls... ...And tells him, "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because shes 'crazy'" and Mickey responds, "I didn't say she was crazy, i said she was fucking goofy!"

Im not a lawyer But I do have a small private firm right now.