one liner jokes

How does a bald man touch his hair? He cuts holes in his pockets.

What goes deep and is full of seamen? A submarine.

What do a rocket and toilet paper have in common? They’re both headed for Uranus.

I’m a bad lover. I once caught a Peeping Tom booing me! (Rodney Dangerfield)

What’s the difference between your job and your partner? After five years, your job still sucks.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

What's the world's longest Ted Talk? How I Met Your Mother

Strangers on a Train

I don't like nosey peppers they get Jalapeno buisness

How are children like slinkies? It's fun to toss them down stairs.

Apple made a bomb It was called the iED

Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible

You know what I don't get? Laid.

Musicians with no advertising budget can simply name their band Missing Cat.

Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they could not understand.

Hey Home Shopping Network: We have the internet now.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you're nuts.

I have a great knock-knock joke But someone else has to start. Go

One Girl, Two Cups would be a terrible name for a bra shop.

I'm thinking of visiting Saudi Arabia based on the upcoming week's forecast It's mostly Sunni

What's the similarity between Bill Cosby and Santa have in common? They both come when you're asleep.