What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
none jokes
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Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
3 unwritten rules of life... 1. 2. 3.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”
"I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy."
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin
CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: "They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.