birthday jokes

I'll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

My lesbian neighbors got me two fake Rolex for my birthday.... I guess they misunderstood when I told them I wanted to watch

Worst thing about having a one-syllable name: Every "Happy Birthday" singer stretches it out awkwardly to fit the song. "Paaaa-aul"

My Lesbian neighbours got me a rolex for my birthday I think they misunderstood when I said, " I wanna watch"

Yo momma's so fat... Her Patronus is a Birthday Cake.

Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us! Me: Why? Who's celebrating their 12th birthday?

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday. Too forward? Maybe it's too forward.

Why did the californian celebrate his birthday a day earlier? He moved down-under!!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for his birthday? He felt his presents.

Panic rooms are a great way to protect yourself during home invasions or like if you forget your wife's birthday.

Knock Knock Who's there ! Alligator ! Alligator who ? Alligator for her birthday was a card !

There was a birthday party at the homeless shelter It also had a poor punch line.

Today we celebrate the birthday of a man who changed the way we see and understand the magic of the universe. Happy Birthday Isaac Newton.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you're a dime.

Can't remember the last time I said Happy Birthday using my actual voice.

What did the pillar say when he forgot to wish his friend happy birthday? I'll column later.

Did you hear about that rich kid who got a car for his birthday? He drove it into a tree to see how his Mercedes bends.

Dad keeps breaking into my phone, so I found a password he won't remember. My birthday.

I'm at my absolute fakest when I'm wishing people happy birthday on Facebook.

What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle? The candle is a thousand times brighter!

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!

wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said "Get Well Soon"

Lesbian Neighbors My two lesbian neighbors asked what I wanted for my birthday. I said I wanna watch. FML. They gave me a Rolex